been a year

it had been a year for leaving my blog away. well, the reason is obvious
and the reason for me being back again is definitely more obvious
just feel like writing, again.

and my life is now back to like last year again, same routine every day
days seem passing so fast and without noticing, here i am, lying in my bed again for sleep
except that the feeling is not same anymore, i didnt feel empty but now i do feel empty
feel like im just wasting the precious time of my life, but what can i do but this?
i got no choice, cause i had tried the best

yes, the difference of my feelings is because of i had tried the good one
and now it has gone, there is no way feeling the same way again, ever probably
i asked a million times why this will happen to me, now i got the answer, and it is me
no one is wrong but me
i did the wrong thing
when i had the best, i thought i would have it forever, so i never thought i might losing it completely one day, SO i never prepared for this, SO i was wrong, SO im having this.
i really thought that i was having that forever, FOREVER.

however, deep inside im thinking differently, sure i am, who am i fooling with?
my friends and family treating me really good recently, which i feel happy with
but down deep inside my heart, who am i fooling with again? everyone knows that

there is no way im going to hurt myself again, i shouldnt do this anymore
im already heart broken. no more heart for me to break
what i do now is just oppose to what my heart wants actually
i choose not to confront anymore and run away as far as i can but sometimes i want to do it oppositely
it is so hard for me

i choose to close my eyes, close my ears, shut my mouth up.
hope that this time will last